Anyone can have a bad day. And I’m no different than anyone else. My battle with bipolar disorder is a day by day thing. And today I’m feeling bad. Like worse than bad. Kind of numb and listless. Sad at times. Painfully so. Crying for no, on the surface, apparent reason.
I mean I’ve had a lot of really cool shit happen to me. Letters to Daniel the revised memoir broke the top 100 paid bestsellers list on Amazon. It hit #1 in its hot new releases. I snagged a book signing at one of Manhattan, NY’s best bookstores in Bluestockings Books. All three national morning shows told me to send Letters to Daniel to them for consideration of being featured. All super awesome. I’ve even lost ten pounds.
But here’s the thing I’ve had two horrible things happen. One, because of unforeseen circumstances Letters to Daniel the film had to be delayed 9 days out from shooting. People say things happen for a reason. I’m having a great deal of trouble coming to terms with that. A lot of time and effort on my part was put into this film and to feel it slipping through my fingers and out of the realms of happening. Well, to call it disheartening would be the understatement of the year, quite possibly my life. I’m trying like hell to let go of control but it’s hard.
However, as I write this I know the film will survive. If it’s anything it’s about my life and how I’ve found a way to survive when it comes to fighting this disease. The film will get made. It’s just a matter of time. I have to realize the delay may be the best thing for the film as I don’t want discord on the set to be an issue. I believe in serendipity. That every choice you make brings you to where you’re at. Which leads me to this…
Recently I was diagnosed with Diabetes.
I was placed on Metformin.
This is uncharted territory for me as patient. I’ve been the supportive friend, the caring niece, but not the person diagnosed with this dreadful disease.
I struggled with why me, the first couple of days. And who knows, perhaps I still am. I certainly don’t wish this disease on anyone.
The answer of how I got here is no mystery. Bad eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle coupled with a genetic predisposition for Type 2 Diabetes. In the end I’ve no one else to blame but myself. So what am I doing? I’m putting my head down and pushing.
I take my blood sugar.
I take the Metformin.
And I eat correctly.
I have an A1C of 8. My doctor wants to get me under 7. I can do this. There’s no reason as to why I can’t. Mom and Dad are making sure the house is stocked correctly and my portions are measured out. I count my carbs.
I know emotionally right now I’m up and down and that perhaps I’m not on top everything. But make no mistake I’m grateful for the professional successes and I know I’m at a point with the Diabetes that I can get better. That I have not reached the point of no return where my health is concerned. So for now I celebrate the book and feel the feelings of mourning where the film is concerned. I’ll get through it. The wheel will turn and things will get better. It’s been my experience right at that moment you feel as if you can’t take the pain one second more the sun rises and the pain becomes a distant memory.