Good morning. Today promises to be a brilliant day. A great night’s sleep. Meds taken. The sun is shining. Music is rocking. And today I come to you happier than I’ve been in awhile.
I’m working on the Guardian Episode 4 and I’m thinking of working on a novel. There’s something very cathartic about working on a book. Something soothing and healing that you don’t necessarily get when you’re working on a screenplay.
It’s funny. As irritable as I’ve been over the last few days I have felt myself getting better. Although I’m sure those living with me might disagree. I guess the best way to say it is that I don’t feel unstable and fried and depressed.
I know I felt lost and alone and like I could trust and reach out to no one when maybe that wasn’t necessarily the case. Isolation and loneliness are nasty, tricky little monsters that my disease likes to unleash on my brain when I’m at my most vulnerable.
People ask what my most cherished dream might be. Truthfully it changes. But my most cherished wish is to meet Daniel Craig.
When I’m feeling blue or like I can’t handle the world on the world’s terms I pull down Cowboys and Aliens or Skyfall and pop it in and do a little daydreaming and set to writing with him in mind as the lead. Or rather the physical incarnation of him that I can project some dysfunctional version of that I can lead to some sort of redemption by the last page of the story that I can pen “the end” on.
Truthfully it is difficult to clear the mind and rest when everything is noise, noise, noise. Sometimes I just want to sleep and forget that the world has other plans for you and your sanity.
I have been listening to music. Now I have to turn it off. It’s too much for my jangled nerves. I figure once I eat and have my tea I’ll sleep for another hour or so.
Sometimes I dream of the day I meet Daniel. And I fear he might ruin it. How can he possibly live up to the dream and the fantasy I have in my head of the advocate and the sweet man I hope that he is?
You’re an incredibly private man. And even though I know sharing my life and journey of healing and pain in such a way that it invites some sharp tooth critics to take aim at my very soft heart and criticize me I don’t know if I could take my hero’s “rejection” of the advocacy platform that I have been using to reach out to the world at large when I feel so isolated and alone from this world.
I don’t know if my family understands how important it is from me to talk to another human being. That physical human contact and comforts and love is crucial to my healing and continued recovery.
I certainly don’t expect Daniel to fill this void. As we don’t know one another. And truth be told he has no clue I exist. Or what this blog is about. He is a universe away and the reality is we most likely will never meet. And that’s okay. This blog is about me reaching out to the world and the world reaching back and somehow we figure out how to make it through a day living with severe mental illness without giving into it’s awful tendrils of darkness. And allowing our collective lights to shine through.