Dear Daniel,
Good morning. Today promises to be a brilliant day. A great night’s
sleep. Meds taken. The sun is shining. Music is rocking. And today I come to
you happier than I’ve been in awhile.
I’m working on the Guardian Episode 4 and I’m thinking of working
on a novel. There’s something very cathartic about working on a book. Something
soothing and healing that you don’t necessarily get when you’re working on a
screenplay.
It’s funny. As irritable as I’ve been over the last few days I have
felt myself getting better. Although I’m sure those living with me might
disagree. I guess the best way to say it is that I don’t feel unstable and
fried and depressed.
I know I felt lost and alone and like I could trust and reach out
to no one when maybe that wasn’t necessarily the case. Isolation and loneliness
are nasty, tricky little monsters that my disease likes to unleash on my brain
when I’m at my most vulnerable.
People ask what my most cherished dream might be. Truthfully it
changes. But my most cherished wish is to meet Daniel Craig.
When I’m feeling blue or like I can’t handle the world on the world’s
terms I pull down Cowboys and Aliens or Skyfall and pop it in and do a little
daydreaming and set to writing with him in mind as the lead. Or rather the physical
incarnation of him that I can project some dysfunctional version of that I can
lead to some sort of redemption by the last page of the story that I can pen “the
end” on.
Truthfully it is difficult to clear the mind and rest when
everything is noise, noise, noise. Sometimes I just want to sleep and forget that
the world has other plans for you and your sanity.
I have been listening to music. Now I have to turn it off. It’s too
much for my jangled nerves. I figure once I eat and have my tea I’ll sleep for
another hour or so.
Sometimes I dream of the day I meet Daniel. And I fear he might
ruin it. How can he possibly live up to the dream and the fantasy I have in my
head of the advocate and the sweet man I hope that he is?
You’re an incredibly private
man. And even though I know sharing my life and journey of healing and pain in
such a way that it invites some sharp tooth critics to take aim at my very soft
heart and criticize me I don’t know if I could take my hero’s “rejection” of
the advocacy platform that I have been using to reach out to the world at large
when I feel so isolated and alone from this world.
I don’t know if my family understands how important it is from me
to talk to another human being. That physical human contact and comforts and
love is crucial to my healing and continued recovery.
I certainly don’t expect Daniel to fill this void. As we don’t know
one another. And truth be told he has no clue I exist. Or what this blog is
about. He is a universe away and the reality is we most likely will never meet.
And that’s okay. This blog is about me
reaching out to the world and the world reaching back and somehow we figure out
how to make it through a day living with severe mental illness without giving
into it’s awful tendrils of darkness. And allowing our collective lights to shine
through.
Sincerely,
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