Today was a bad day. It’s one of those days where being human catches up to me and I have to realize, as far as I reach in my treatment sometimes it exceeds my grasp. And the fact is some days the depression can not be faked out. Can not be tricked into submission. And can not be left behind by some willful act of aggression on my mania’s part. People are going to be unhelpful, not by any act of malice, but by being consumed by their own exhaustion or previous commitments and I’m going to be left alone with thoughts of why won’t they help me. I ask for it from strangers and friends and most times they go out of their way to give it. But tonight I get nothing from those I live with.
I put on dinner. Instead of making burgers for myself and Missy I gave them the meat to put in the spaghetti sauce. I could dwell on all the bullshit they do and stay in the name of pushing my career forward or I could move out and make it infinitely more difficult.
In some ways I have it very good. I live rent free in nice home, well, in a room with my cat, with pictures of inspiration all around me. Including a Skyfall official poster with you as Bond standing next to the Astin Martin. Effective gun porn. I have a vision board of all that I hope to achieve one day. An autographed photo of Adrian Paul, the Highlander. An official film poster for Going Under, short movie that Missy and I co-wrote, co-directed, and co-produced.
My crutch during times of emotional pain, Captain Oreo and his co-hort Private Doritos are also at the ready should I choose to numb myself up.
I wish I could articulate how lonely and isolated this house makes me feel sometimes. I have to force myself to think logically in the middle of emotional turmoil, the kind that threatens to suck me under from time to time.
Even in the face of such good fortune bipolar disorder doesn’t discriminate. These last two and a half years have been an exhilarating ride. From nobody in the middle of nowhere to small press sensation (in my own mind of course lol) and film festival winner with a small cadre of friends, the kind that God sends when you’re in need of the best kind. Special shout outs to Pamela Turner and Missy Goodman.
Each have their place in my heart. Each feed my imagination. Each do their part to keep me sane. And as I watch Mother I am struck by your talent and just how far you’re willing to go for your work. Again Daniel you inspire me, well your work does, to help me come out of the deepest and darkest of funks and depressions. Makes me feel safe when indeed there is every reason to fear what is around me, and gives me hope as I wait to hear from the Austin Film Festival and pray somehow to make it at least to the semi-finalist round so that we can actually afford to go.