I come to the page tonight both scared and happy. Letters to Daniel has been accepted into its third festival, Louisville’s International Festival of Film. To take place October 9th-11th in Louisville, KY.
I got the news at Moe’s restaurant after leaving my mother’s hospital room via the phone from Carol Hamilton. Normally I would have jumped up and down exhilarated that Letters to Daniel had just powered its way into another film festival. And don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon thrilled that this unexpected success has come my way for a project that means so much to me.
But with Mom in the hospital I find myself in close quarters with people who tend to just rub me the wrong way. My sisters and cousin were all we’re going to come clean the house and Amy you better clean your room. And Amy and Sara you need take care of everything on that end when your mother comes home.
I find it ironic that I did clean my room. Have all but one load of laundry done. And believe me, my room was a disaster! I’m not a hoarder, but believe me, you could see the road signs from there. It’s just me and the kitty, Chyna who reside in this room and when it’s a mess it’s a claustrophobic feeling. With mom in the hospital it was especially so.
Seeing her so frail and small makes you take stock of your own mortality. I’m sure she was facing her own. But my sister Brandy who is the biggest follower on the planet there ever was, and my cousin Jill, who seems to think she’s Lord God over everything was barking out orders left and right. Then she was preaching about the lord saving mine and everyone else’s soul.
I cleaned my room. Guess who’s cleaning my mom’s house? Missy. That’s right. All hot air and nothing of substance. They think they know fucking everything.
Brandy likes to be seen as the big dog on campus. She’s sleeping up at the hospital with mom tonight. Dad usually does it but he needs knee surgery that he put off so mom could have emergency surgery. So what do I do? Go up early in the morning, stay till early in the afternoon. I clean my room, which I rarely do but I want mom to be comfortable when she comes home.
I feel like it’s wrong to be so happy that my career is flourishing while mom is recovering. A little recognition would be nice but then, I’m thinking, I’m wrong to be doing anything to promote my career.
I feel like I’m in a black hole and it’s hard to see my way out of it. But then, I haven’t been writing either, not consistently. Not in a way that would say this passion fire and grit the way I usually do. This last month has really knocked me for a loop. I wish I could say to hell with familial obligations and bull head on into my work. But that’s not reality.
It’s not responsible either. Tomorrow I’ll be up at the hospital until around lunchtime. And then I’ll head on out back home. Missy is taking me to the grocery tomorrow. And helping me my clothes away.
And I have a screenplay I’m working on. And I just got the first image in my head for a novel. I think I’ll go write on both of them. And I’ll outline the idea for the season 1 finale of Darius & Anastasia, my web series. I’ll write my way out of this funk if it kills me.