Dear Daniel Craig, 11/6/16
So here we are after a triumphant tour with Letters to Daniel the documentary and my screenplays and 5 days out from shooting on my first solo short film Broken I find myself in the midst of a relapse. It is very hard for me to admit this. Especially so publically. There seems to be this perception (in society in general) that mental illness can be transcended. That the daily struggles are simply not there anymore and that all is well once you are jettisoned from a health care provider’s care.
All of this is complete and utter bullshit. Bipolar disorder is like any chronic disease. You might go into remission but the ugly reality is relapse is part of the deal. I have been lax in penning these letters on a regular basis. But the truth is some really crappy stuff happened over the course of last winter and this spring before and amazeballs agent and friend came to my rescue. The feature film fell apart nine days out from shooting about a year ago. The people responsible have since made up for it, and the truth is I know there was no malice in it on their part. Sometimes things just don’t happen no matter badly how much you want them too. I left one questionable agent for another which was a really bad fit. They couldn’t see mental illness as a real definable thing and so I left them but not without a fight on their part.
In the time I was attempting to get free of them Julie Fink appeared. I had no idea what I was going to do. She offered me representation but only if I were legally free and clear of who I was with. The fight they put up was ugly and dirty. And it took its toll on me I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am now with DBFW Inc. And it has been a happy marriage so far. She has not lied to me or tried to squash my creative fire. In fact it’s been just the opposite. She stokes it.
Some very dreams are coming true. So in that respect things are wonderful. Up to but not excluding the shooting of Letters to Daniel the feature film next May. At the same time Julie is suffering Cancer. Fuck Cancer this was the breaking point. When she went on radio silence I freaked the fuck out. First and foremost Julie is a friend who is more like a big sister than anything else and secondly she’s in the driver seat of my career. Put those two things together and well it was just too much.
I’d like to officially call Cancer out on shoving me across the relapse line. There are so many reasons to hate that fucking disease this is just one more very powerful ones to hate it for myself.
How do I know I’m in the middle of a relapse?
My sleep schedule is completely off. I’m not exercising. I messed around with the timing of my meds. My mood is all over the fucking map and I had a manic rage with Missy after a relatively good day yesterday. And my ANXIETY HAS BEEN THROUGH THE ROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another thing which I am forcing myself to talk about is a common symptom of spending money you just don’t have. I put myself in the hole in my bank account. Even after my entire disability check went in I was still in the red by two dollars. So I did what I knew I had to do. I called Missy, gave her the paypal info and asked her to change the password and change the security questions. I then called BBT and asked them for a new card and cut up my old one. And when the new one gets here I will hand it over to Missy. All purchases all festival entries will go through her until I am stable and able to handle my own finances once again.
I will admit due to the stigma so pervasive in society I didn’t want to write all of this down. I don’t wish to be alone for long periods of time right now and even contracted for safety last night before I went to bed and have already had an anxiety attack today and it’s not even noon.
So to everyone who has bipolar disorder relapse is actually the only normal we bipolar’s are gifted with. I didn’t notice I was in a relapse until the anxiety attacks were pummeling me. Truthfully I am happy to have written this letter. I feel good about it now. Much love to the caregivers of this world. Especially the ones in my life. Mom and Missy especially you. Special shoutouts to the second team responders Delilah, Julie, Tim and Barbara.
As for those looking to put more good days together than bad days? I’m in the struggle. I know the fight. And we are not alone.