As my mood seems to have a will of its own these days I struggle to put two words together. This last week my beloved pet, Luke was seriously ill with an upper respiratory infection. I rushed him a vet, as he had taken to hiding back in the bedroom. It was a traumatic experience for us all as Luke is than two years old and we lost three cats within six months of one another almost 2 years ago. I miss them all very much. They were my furbabies. And it just dawned on me why I’ve been so utterly freaked out. It is the year anniversary of Scar’s death and with Luke getting sick at the same time as Scar passed on, well it was truly too much.
My aunts Sally and Rosie have been in from out of town so the house is always full of people these days, adding to the stress. I’ve been manic for a while and now can feel the skid downward.
I’ve been angry and irritable to everyone around me. You know that feeling that just anything and everything is just pissing you off for no reason at all? And I mean it just sets you off as if they had just cut your heart out. Plus coming off of a traumatic experience really hard to handle.
I’ve had people tell me you gotta roll with the punches and for people built like me navigating the world just isn’t that simple all of the time.
The last 28 days have been stressful as well as I have been running a Kickstarter for the film Letters to Daniel. It has been a long, arduous, journey. Asking for money isn’t my favorite thing to do. Most of my friends are like me. They have no money. At least not to spare. So when they do give it’s not much I can offer them except some really cool things. Like a photoshoot. Concept Art Pieces. Stuff that usually is locked away from the public’s eyes to keep from destroying the movie magic.
But as the saying goes. You do what must be done to get your film made. At ICFF we made some terrific contacts. Producers who wanted to read the script. And even one possibility that would be amazing.
Twice a week I’m supposed to unplug from the movie completely. We’ve had setbacks. But I try not to dwell on those. So much for unplugging, right?
That being said I am waiting on movie swag from our Marketing Artist. And covers for a book I am self-publishing, SCARS. The contract I’m signing a lot is expected of me. Honestly I hope can deliver on. But I know if I get back into a routine I’ll be fine.
On nights and days such as these I’m grateful for this forum, where I can come and unwind and be myself. Warts and all.
Things have been a bit of a roller coaster since January. I’m happy but my eating is back out of control. Back on top of it.
Also stressful. My mom wants my family at my birthday e.g. my sisters and their families at my birthday dinner. Not really what I want. But it’s what Mom wants and since they’ve co-opted my birthday weekend for a graduation party for my nephew and dad has an OA meeting he’ll be sure to be rushing through the meal. Lucky me.
I know I’m going to be 41 but for me there are less days left with Mom and Dad and while they “get” better than they have in the past I have to remember I don’t have the respect that my other sisters have from them. I have their love. But they measure respect by a different stick. I don’t have a college education. I have 1 year of college and two film workshops. Although I’ve attended several festivals, conventions and won awards and published several books and have the respect of my peers I don’t have the respect of well, maybe even of myself.
I had that hard won confidence only to have it slowly chipped away at during the first part of this year.
That being said.
And even though I’m having trouble now I know soon enough I’ll be on feet running full throttle towards all my hopes and dreams. That confidence people chipped away at I’ll get back. That respect I desire I’ll get it. And the people who stand and stood against me will only be able to watch as I rise. I have the best support network out there. To them I am eternally grateful.