Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I don’t know how to put it any other way than relapse sucks. The only way I know how to deal with any of it is well to come to you and write about it. I haven’t touched on relapse much in the way of previous letters because well, my natural cycle of moods tended to ebb in the fall struggle through holidays then hit my stride again in January. I never looked at as relapse per se. Just as maybe this was my cycle and I had found a way to work with it and around it.

Then last year a funny thing happened. Mom got sick. Really sick and I hyper focused on her her getting well and writing whenever I made time to make it happen. Which was a lot. Then Mom got better and I started winning all of the contests I entered. Then the first volume of Letters hit the Amazon Bestsellers list. And then I was nominated for an EPIC in Non-Fiction. And then I got an agent. And well, you know the rest. There wasn’t time to be depressed.

But it seems the cycle has caught up and with little more than two weeks to go until Con season hits whether I have time to be depressed or not I am. Bipolar disorder doesn’t just go away because you take a pill. It’s there waiting, watching, ready to strike at your most vulnerable moment.

Here I stand on the verge of all my dreams coming true and I have the deepest, strongest, most overwhelming urge to curl up in a ball and cry. I know intellectually that I’m not alone. That I have friends and family who support me.

I’m emotional, tired, and find myself avoiding the keyboard, which is unusual for me. To whit I have been writing since the beginning of January with no breaks writing book after book, teleplay, treatments, and a screenplay along with a novella, a short novel and two full length novels.

But if I don’t write eventually I feel wonky, wrong, unlike myself. And it’s just as brutal as this.  Missy asked me if was going through menopause. Only Missy can ask me questions like that. She’s that person in my life who can suggest gently that I call my therapist. The crap thing is there’s not actually anything that will get me in faster with my therapist. As for my psychiatrist, my most recent one moved to another state and where I go to get seen for my illness has yet to find a replacement so they automatically refill my meds.

So what if it’s something with my medication. I’m going to have to wait. Which really, really sucks.
Although the average episode lasts two weeks. So if today is day one. Then by the time I see my therapist I’ll come out on the other side of this.

The thing is I am no overnight success. And I have been given the tools to cope with this. I’m glad I relaunched this blog. As coming here and  knowing there are others like me who go through this sort of thing is comforting.

And knowing I don’t have to stay there is a blessing. It’s not stay in bed for days bad. It’s more like I can’t write and I can’t handle lots of people. Trying to do something fun tomorrow. Lunch with friends and tarot card readings.

I’m hoping it helps. I’ve stepped away from the creative writing but it’s hard. I mean I have like zero desire to write creatively.

Relapse is relative. Some suffer from it more acutely than others. Right now I just want everyone to know, and myself to some degree that you can come out on the other side of it. Look for that pinpoint of light and feel your way towards it. Tomorrow I’m going to watch a few of your films. And hopefully feel better.


Amy McCorkle

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