Friday, July 24, 2015

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

This last week has been one of the more difficult ones of recent memory. I’m not on the other side of it yet but I’m getting there.

The term rapid cycling was used by Missy. Where I was weepy and depressed all week, today when I got some good news the relief from the anxiety left me irritable, argumentative and downright bitchy.

While I can hear the crude jokes now, is it time for your monthly visitor, are you going through the change? It’s important to note while these things can a do have an effect on my mood and act as certain triggers I think it’s appalling that my emotions can be dismissed so easily.

I’ll admit after the news came through physically I just felt better. As if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders I knew where I stood which, ironically involves more waiting. But apparently I’ve moved up the food chain considerably.

So still I cycle.

I wanted to write but there was a part of me that after writing non-stop since the winter of last year had me screaming uncle. Someone told me to take a vacation. And honestly my idea of a good vacation is getting a nice hotel room and ordering room service all weekend and vegging out.

With little money I have to funnel all of it into career events. I climb, I crawl, I grasp for the gold ring. To me I have hit a certain level of success and am ready to reach a little higher, climb a longer, grasp a little tighter.
This while good, creates a good amount of stress. The waiting these last six months has been somewhat okay to deal with because I didn’t really have an end goal to obsess on. But things are bearing down on someone without mental illness it’s hard enough. For someone with it? Safety nets need to be put into place.

This week has been a rollercoaster. Tuesday I called my therapist. I was already on the ride that has seemingly come to a finish. Climaxing the moment I got the call with the good news, but you gotta wait a little longer message.

Everyone from Missy to Pam to Andrew to my agent kept telling me to breathe. Which is good advice but hard to take in when you’re so wound up and waiting for something that could make your dreams come true.
Good things can be just as much of a trigger as a negative thing. And I’ve had a lot of good things happen this year. The fact I feel fragile and as if this is all being held together by loosest of threads doesn’t really come as a shock. A surprise, maybe. But getting my ass back into therapy pronto is the first step to keeping on track and getting better.

Just because I hear my illness’ siren call of giving up and burnout doesn’t mean I ignore the symptoms and bully my way through it. It means I seek help and do things that will make me feel better.

I think I might watch Cowboys & Aliens and some James Bond films tomorrow. Going back into a movie theater seems too scary a prospect to me right now. First Aurora now Lafeyette. People focus on the mental health of the shooter. AGAIN. What about those of us struggling to get better. To do better. To get better. It angers me that the media in ALL corners paint with such vivid words and criminalize everyone with a mental illness. Not realizing those with a mental illness are now fearful of doing something everyone else takes for granted. Going to the fucking movies.

So the news I got? I can’t really talk about it. But know I thismuchcloser to something I’ve wanted for a long time now for Letters to Daniel. Waiting again shouldn’t be as hard with Con season kicking into high gear. There’s a lot going on at all three of them. Enough to keep my brain from obsessing. Although my gut tells me everything is going to work okay.

In this case I trust it. It’s very rare that I’ll say I know something for sure. I feel like Letters to Daniel will do as I always intended it to do. Help me process things. And by doing that let people know they are not alone. I hope to inspire people to be their best selves with my work the way your work did for me.


Amy McCorkle

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