Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel,

Good morning. Today promises to be a brilliant day. A great night’s sleep. Meds taken. The sun is shining. Music is rocking. And today I come to you happier than I’ve been in awhile.

I’m working on the Guardian Episode 4 and I’m thinking of working on a novel. There’s something very cathartic about working on a book. Something soothing and healing that you don’t necessarily get when you’re working on a screenplay.

It’s funny. As irritable as I’ve been over the last few days I have felt myself getting better. Although I’m sure those living with me might disagree. I guess the best way to say it is that I don’t feel unstable and fried and depressed.

I know I felt lost and alone and like I could trust and reach out to no one when maybe that wasn’t necessarily the case. Isolation and loneliness are nasty, tricky little monsters that my disease likes to unleash on my brain when I’m at my most vulnerable.

People ask what my most cherished dream might be. Truthfully it changes. But my most cherished wish is to meet Daniel Craig.

When I’m feeling blue or like I can’t handle the world on the world’s terms I pull down Cowboys and Aliens or Skyfall and pop it in and do a little daydreaming and set to writing with him in mind as the lead. Or rather the physical incarnation of him that I can project some dysfunctional version of that I can lead to some sort of redemption by the last page of the story that I can pen “the end” on.

Truthfully it is difficult to clear the mind and rest when everything is noise, noise, noise. Sometimes I just want to sleep and forget that the world has other plans for you and your sanity.

I have been listening to music. Now I have to turn it off. It’s too much for my jangled nerves. I figure once I eat and have my tea I’ll sleep for another hour or so.

Sometimes I dream of the day I meet Daniel. And I fear he might ruin it. How can he possibly live up to the dream and the fantasy I have in my head of the advocate and the sweet man I hope that he is?

You’re  an incredibly private man. And even though I know sharing my life and journey of healing and pain in such a way that it invites some sharp tooth critics to take aim at my very soft heart and criticize me I don’t know if I could take my hero’s “rejection” of the advocacy platform that I have been using to reach out to the world at large when I feel so isolated and alone from this world.

I don’t know if my family understands how important it is from me to talk to another human being. That physical human contact and comforts and love is crucial to my healing and continued recovery.

I certainly don’t expect Daniel to fill this void. As we don’t know one another. And truth be told he has no clue I exist. Or what this blog is about. He is a universe away and the reality is we most likely will never meet. And  that’s okay. This blog is about me reaching out to the world and the world reaching back and somehow we figure out how to make it through a day living with severe mental illness without giving into it’s awful tendrils of darkness. And allowing our collective lights to shine through.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle

Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel,

I came. I saw. I conquered.

ICFF was a success! Major interest in Letters to Daniel. An explosive response to The Guardian! Usually I’m lucky if I make 5 or 6 connections that seem to have any real chance of panning out. I came away from ICFF with 14 solid connections and have already heard back from five with varying degrees of potential.

To say I am glad to be home, relaxing, enjoying lunch with Missy and hanging out with my cousin Rebekah tonight as she works on a novel and I wrap up my to-do  list for the day I have to say recovery is always nice to embrace after a tense and anxious yet glorious week of hard work in the name of making Letters to Daniel and quite possibly making The Guardian a reality  is nice.

Being on my feet, shaking hands, screwing up the courage to talk to the big time speakers and try to get mine and Missy’s work into their hands. Connecting with people who have more money than me who can facilitate our mental health advocacy stories and vision for ending stigma and fostering understanding and healing.

It’s been an awesome time to be sure but now I am ready for some serious rest. People are telling me how impressed they are with how organized I am compared to others. I have to admit I’ve had some wonderful mentors. Ray and Kristina and Del and Theresa. And so many others.

It’s funny that they would call me organized. It is now the following morning. I was dragging yesterday. I am not so sure I am not dragging now lol.

Amazing things are happening to me and Missy and I really can’t believe. But sometimes you really just have to step out on faith and just let go of your preconceived notion of what the the Universe has in store for you.

I have been pushing Letters to Daniel since 2013 in some fashion. Whether it be the blog, the book or the documentary or the script. And at ICFF this it was no different.

But this year our episodic project The Guardian seemed to just rocket into the mainstream consciousness where everyone wanted to see it.

That’s where it seemed the money was going. I wanted to make a project so that’s where our preparation was going to have to go.

Not that it was a bad thing. The Guardian has quickly become a bad thing. Writing as the show runner for a series that seemed to have a direction, interest from the mainstream and a television executive and a producer(s) maybe God and the Universe was trying to tell me and Missy something.

Cindy Bond talked of I Can Only Imagine being a mustard seed seven or eight years ago. Perhaps Letters to Daniel will be mine and Missy’s. And Letters to Daniel will be an Oscar night triumph where we prove the naysayers wrong. And The Guardian will be the major step we take to get there.

ICFF was a triumphant week where 14 solid leads have already transformed into two producer follow-ups this week where I will be talking to one producer over the next two weeks and another today.

I am blessed. I am lucky. I have worked hard. May everyone else be so gifted by the Universe.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle

Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel Craig,

There’s always a point when I have to take a step back reconsider all that I have going on. The goal had been to attend 2 festivals this month. Both had considerably amount of pros. Unfortunately it came down to that old buggabo money. And the fact I had none at the end of it all. I still had two major stops on my festival circuit to attend and if I squeezed in another one there was zero way I’d be able to attend them.

So I contacted Horror Hotel and asked if I could pick up mine and Missy’s awards at Indie Gathering. And the festival director generously said yes. Ray, Kristina, thank so, so much for understanding.

On to bigger news. Next Tuesday I get on a plane and fly to ICFF. To say I’m freaked out would be an understatement.

It’s been a struggle to stay stable, this winter and spring. Lots of changes to the routine and the unsettled weather has proven to be more challenging. As more recently the mood has gone from depression to despair.

Even in the face of the streaming distribution/revenue share deal we made for Letters to Daniel, to the partnering NAMI on making the film available to their network of consumers and them publicizing the film. To the faith based television executive reading the Guardian and loving it to the point that he placed it on his wish list to be made that he gave to the studio heads. Stress is still stress. As I have yet to secure funding for my passion project, Letters to Daniel and this weighs heavily on me and grows heavier still as I have put a lot of eggs in the ICFF basket where our career is concerned.

Between having a show in development in L.A. and pitching my passion project that seems just beyond my reach of getting it made well it’s beginning to wear on me. To many ups and downs. The choppier the waters the harder it is to remain stable.

I’m fighting with everyone, even, god bless her Missy. I have every reason to be happy. Festival nominations and wins. Steps towards the ultimate goal. Bipolar disorder is such a nasty, nasty trickster of a disease. It can make you happy one second then turn on a dime and make you it’s bitch the next.

Creeping despair and apathy where all of this is concerned. I just want to write. I just want to create. I just want the world to know I am here and that I speak up even when I feel bad. Today has been a beautiful day. I got to meet with a friend and hang out for three hours before heading home. The sky has been blue, the sun shining brightly. My mood should be vastly improved. Alas it is not  been to the degree or fast enough for my liking.

I try not to pressure myself like saying. I’ve gotten up two mornings in a row and have had a productive time of it. Small victories like having some coffee and relishing the Irish creamer in it.

Sitting down quietly and penning a letter making sure I’m telling the truth about my recovery. Truth is it feels like someone stole my mojo and is holding it hostage. An God damn it I want it back!

I haven’t produced as much as I want to recently and honestly I create because it brings me joy. Sometimes I wish Luke would curl up in my lap and just sleep there until I was happy, old and gray.

But the brutal truth is that I’m already coloring a considerable amount of gray and trying to be “professional” when I feel like is a little girl running headlong at her dreams daring anyone to tell me I can’t do it.

They say let the hurts go. It’s at times like these that they hurt the most. Because bipolar disorder is a nasty, trickster of a beast that brings back all the bad and the shame and regrets and lamentations that you thought you left behind.

When someone comes to you and says you hurt me because X and Y. Where is there to go but Z.

I don’t have much patience or people who say I don’t have enough time because I have the exact some 24 hours in a day that they do. Sacrifices have to be made.

I made a conscious decision in late 2010 that I wasn’t going to wait for my career to just happen anymore. I knew if anything good was going to come of it I would have to go to the mountain myself and make it happen.

I’ve been working hard my whole life. But the truth is this things are finally coming into focus on what I want to do. I want to create a mental health awareness/advocacy legacy. In every arena. I want to be a personal speaker who shares my story and has a reality tv mental health advocacy series. 

Deciding whether to do a web series on my own or recruit a full crew and shoot a pilot for it.

I’m at my strongest when I am doing advocacy work. I plan on creating a legacy of helping people. I need to sit down and map it all out. When I talk about advocacy and making it a reality I get excited. 

Because at heart I’m storyteller and there’s so much good I can do and it will help me get out of my own head and keep me in the present day and help me to enjoy the good I am doing now.

I’ve been meaning to organize this more so. I am looking into speaking to groups no matter  what their size. This prospect excites me and I’m hoping people when I sit down to write this out I’m going to be pitching film ideas at ICFF. But this advocacy work is something I’ve always been passionate about.

The question is can I move others to be as passionate about it as I am. I want to help people understand that life isn’t over when you’re diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But if you embrace the diagnosis and surrender to the process of recovery then chances are your life will get better.

Will it be smiles and happiness the whole way through. Life isn’t like that for anyone. Life is completely random and chaotic in reality. And for we bipolar bunches we need structure and routine.

I’m on a mission at ICFF. Letters to Daniel or bust!!!

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle

Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel Craig,

When I started this blog initially it was just supposed to be an open letter of gratitude to you. But about halfway through the letter I realized I was creating a platform of sorts for others like me. Those who had survived abuse and were making a life for themselves even though mental illness was a daily part of the routine.

Recently I’ve been slipping. Not with the medication. But moodwise. Everyone is happy to see the victories, especially me. Professionally I’ve been on something of a roll. Lots of victories there. But getting admittedly behind the scenes things have been much harder for me.

Maintaining a sense of balance and putting more good days together than  bad ones has seemed nearly  impossible. The weather and changing of the seasons has wreaked havoc on me. And as excited as I am for the upcoming film festival season financial stress, the anxiety of traveling alone, and the reality that I’ve invested a lot in my career is freaking me out.

The last three days have been especially bad. It’s been like being in a dark room with the door shut and locked. No light to see to guide me out.

I guess some would say, “think positive”, but for me it comes down to going back to the basics. Wake up at 8am, take my meds immediately. Eat a healthy breakfast. Keep caffeine to a minimum. Eat a healthy lunch. Write. Have a midday snack. Dinner. Write some more.

Yesterday was so bad I couldn’t write at all.

I missed an appointment with my therapist at the beginning of the month and the walk-in clinic complicated matters by first sending me home. Second having my therapist call in sick. The second one couldn’t be helped I’m sure. Then yesterday I got a lecture for missing the first appointment.

Things looked horrible, I was losing the excitement I had for ICFF which Missy and I have worked very hard for and the whole world was just closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating. The thought of attending a festival we had worked so hard to set up for maximum impact on our projects seemed to be slipping away right along with my hard won sanity.

I had been isolating and not wanting to get out of the house. Not get out of bed. I slept all day. Took my meds eat and fall back asleep. Then lay awake half the night. Then repeating the cycle. I played fast and loose with the timing of my medication so that “I could write”.

I’m hoping I got of that train by taking a step back and in choosing my next project. By combining two passions of mine, long verrrry slow walking/running and mental health advocacy and continuing this blog as a part of my treatment plan. I will follow blog/book/documentary format with Letters to Daniel once again, with this installment being called Letters to Daniel: Recovery Is Not An Endpoint. With the blog continuing with it’s original title Letters to Daniel. To those who see this as a money grab. What you think doesn’t matter to me anymore. Yes I want to make money. But the truth is this, the people who need to see this will see this. And I need it emotionally and psychology for my own healing as the people who might be reading this might need it for theirs.

Lastly, I want to thank my caregiver, Missy Goodman for taking me to a place where I see the Universe in all its beauty and getting me outside of my own head. It can be a dark place with little to no light getting in. Yet she’s always there for me. So if you are in active recovery for bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, PTSD or substance abuse drop me a line through the contact form here. Or hit me up at klynd75@gmail.com.

Missy is also my creative partner in crime of over 20 years. She is often tasked with the thankless role of Producer on our documentaries. Much love my friend. Much love.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle

Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel,

Funny what a difference four days make. Ah the agony and the ecstasy. Just as January second had me down for the count I dragged my ass up off the ground and got back up on my feet again. You see, my best friend (and screenwriting and producing partner of 18 years) and I had just opened up a small press featuring 4 authors who we feel passionately about creatively.

We opened our doors January 1^st. To much acclaim and fanfare. We have our editors and cover artists in place. Yes, as of January 1, 2018 3 Bitches Press is open for business. Then January 2^nd I have the negative experience at the drugstore where my medication is concerned.

So I wrote the blog to raise awareness and to release the powerlessness that I felt at the situation. As much as I wanted to lay down and die I got up and started working on a new screenplay, Gemini Rising. And on January 4^th I spied a pitching opportunity.

I’ve always dreamed of being a mental health advocate on a larger scale. When the opportunity presented itself to pitch a cable network development VP mine and Missy’s mental health advocacy reality tv series I went in and jumped on it.

January 6^th was a crazy day. I got my hair cut and styled so that I would look great on Skype for my pitch. And then Skype wouldn’t work on their end leading me to believe I had missed the pitch altogether on my end. However, they called me and I put my best foot forward and this network executive called my project amazing and then reiterated that note by calling ME amazing.

If you’ve been in this business for any extended amount of time you know network executives just say stuff like that at all really. It was a positive experience with a positive result. I have to say the mimosas tasted especially sweet that night as we toasted this part of the process. And it made watching the Golden Globes especially fun.

Finally, just when I thought January couldn’t get better this weekend I got word that my documentary “All In the Family” that me and Missy co-produced with my cousin Rebekah about mine and Rebekah’s families struggle with the genetic nature of bipolar disorder won for Best Writing In A Documentary 3^rd Quarter at the Enginuity Film Festival. Not only that but me and Missy are pitching Bounty Hunter to a well known L.A. based production company on the 26^th.

January took a U-turn of the greatest kind. It’s okay to feel angry or sad. It is not a crime or your fault when your disease gets a hold of you when triggered by experiences you get caught off guard by. Or sometime when your disease has got you by the tail. But please know, there are moments like these to be had and to be joyous about on the other side of it. Getting into a one day at a time recovery is possible.

January is off to an amazing start. Here’s hoping your recovery is on an upswing and your dreams are starting to come true.

Sincerely,

Amy Leigh McCorkle

Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel,

Life can be a funny thing. And I don’t mean a joyous laughing kind of thing. I mean a boot to the gut, kick in the teeth, ironic kind of thing. One where people on the outside looking in say gee, everyone loves you and supports you and want to be around you. When behind the scenes your juggling a million different things that pose a threat the one thing you value most of all. The one thing you cannot do without. The one thing that without none of those lovely things are possible.

For me it’s my sanity.

For me, it’s merely frustrating and irritating when a business marketing plan, has to regroup and reassess what it’s plan of action is going to be when someone with sour grapes has your account blocked on social media. Eventually I’ll be out FB Jail and we’ll be to look over our marketing plan in the interim.

No, the stuff that stops me cold is when a small group of people desperate for money and power, grab it at the expense of real live people and their healthcare.

What pray tell, you may ask does this have anything to do with me and my sanity. It has everything to do with it. You see, the current Congress and Senate (brought to you by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell for those of you keeping score) saw fit to cram every undesirable element of the Republican platform and crammed it on to this so called tax cut bill. And our venerable (tongue very much in cheek here) president signed it.

And tonight when I went to pick up my bipolar meds on MY MEDICARE insurance I had to leave half my prescriptions behind. So tonight I am filled with an incredible amount of anxiety without any remedy to be had. I am far passed being able to calm down and creating anything at all seems to be a moot point.

You see I am on 11 medications. Most of them for bipolar disorder. I’m pretty sure politicians could give a fuck about their constituents especially the ones that voted for that tax cut. I signed every petition that came my way. I called my senators even though Rand Paul Mitch McConnell are snakes I thought I would do my civic duty.

So to those who voted these clowns into office, if you are like and are an independent artist, filmmaker, author or small business owner why the hell didn’t you call these people. This caught me off guard at a bad time, and I *KNEW* it was coming. To those of you who have helped me or ever championed me, this message is not intended for you.

My message is intended for the so called public servants in the WH, Congress and Senate who lie on daily basis who treat public service like a business (which you cannot, it just doesn’t work that way).

So I think I’m lucky. Right now, my parents are alive. Mom is a retired school teacher and Dad is a working Public Defender. They and Missy are all that stands between me, homelessness, hunger and insanity. Pray for me, pray for those like, and yes pray for those in my situation who make decisions that are not just bad for themselves but that impact others like them.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle