Friday, February 7, 2014

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

This month feels different from last month. Just like last month felt different from the last week of December. Last month was about getting stable again. Finding a way to finish Bella Morte:Devil’s Backbone. And figuring what was next on my creative horizons.

Of course, it’s been a while since I sat down to write one of these letters and copping to the fact last month was more like bare knuckling it through a roller coaster ride as one minute I was fine, the next I was flying on a hypomanic high, and the next it was as if the bottom had dropped out is no joy.
It was an unpleasant reminder that relapse is part of the disease and that one must be kind to oneself in the face of it and take care of yourself. Because often it will not only tax you, but those around you who do not understand at all what you’re going through.

But the nice thing is I can feel the steadiness returning. Even after some unpleasantness with my best friend. Of course once I realized that was more about her than it was me it made it easier to build towards my pattern of feeling better this time around.

I got in to see Anita, my therapist and got some perspective. We talked about the nature of my illness and how I usually struggle off and on from October to December and how by January I’m usually back in the swing of things.

But 2013 saw me break that particular pattern. I rocked the fall of 2013. I wrote 2 books and a good chunk of a 3rd one. I wrote a pilot. I wrote the treatment for the pilot. I mentored to young women struggling with mental illnesses. I started two new blogs one of which without posting this last week. I was rocking the marketing of both my career and that of Hekate Press.

However, something went on with one of the young girls I was mentoring and it upset me a great deal as I feared for her well being and safety. Her family was shaming her. They didn’t want to acknowledge her diagnosis of bipolar disorder. She felt isolated and alone and as if she had no one where she was to deal with this. She is an innocent and sheltered girl and their approach with her, telling her she would grow out of it by the end of college really pissed me off.

I remembered being her in college. Only I was 900 miles away from home. Only she’s a few hours drive from home. She’s heavily involved in campus life. And by her starting her blog her SAI Provincial Officer saw it and loved it and eventually, where I could not help her, she could.

Rebekah is a strong young woman. Resourceful and talented. And it was a relief to know she was reaching out to others for help and not isolating herself.

But in December I had reached my taxed out point and the bottom dropped out. And as I said, January was a month spent getting back on track. Somehow I finished Bella Morte:Devil’s Backbone. And began the hunt for the next project.

There is a project that is cooking called Order of the Dragon. It’s not ready yet. I can feel it when I’m working on it that it’s not ready. I don’t want to force it so I let it be.

There’s an awful sense of not quite ready madness that overtakes me when I hunting for that next project. As I do things needed for the documentary I also need to feed the writing beast. And finally I’ve found it. Nation of Blue.

The madness of waiting for competition results hasn’t set in yet. I’m sure when it does it will make it difficult to concentrate.

But until then I can say I feel like I’m stronger today than I have been in a while. Maybe not like I’m conquering the world, but like I can finish my work. So here’s to the work it takes to getting Letters to Daniel documentary done and Nation of Blue book done.


Amy McCorkle

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