Monday, January 20, 2014

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I think sometimes people forget this. I doubt you do. Given you did a PSA going so far as to dress up like a woman for effect to show the inequality that exists still between the sexes.

I’ve been struggling today. Not with bipolar disorder. But with issues like trust, boundaries, and sex and how sometimes a guy will say it was ‘just a misunderstanding’ after stepping passed those boundaries and shoving you back down into a cesspool where your past that you’ve worked so hard to pull yourself out of still seems to swim around, waiting for your next boegyman to push under.

Not this time. This time I’m not going to be quiet. This time I’m going to shout this offenders actions from the rooftops.

You’re the Reason, is a screenplay that I wrote with Missy Goodman. It has been through countless drafts. It has gotten heat from three different producers including the likes of Lee Daniels and Zide/Perry, and god me help a producer’s name I cannot remember, but do remember he produced a film with Steven Segal. I met him at B. Dalton’s where You’re the Reason was born.

So why am I telling you any of that? To shout this one essential truth Missy and I wanted to get out with our fictional tale. Boegymen can be anywhere. Look normal. Wear a charismatic mask. Be an old friend. Be someone you once took under your wing. Sometimes on the news you go oh he looks like a predator. But beware they hide in the most insidious, banal of places.

So today I was writing and talking to an ‘old friend’ on Facebook. I had indeed once taken them under my wing when we were in high school. Today, as I was emerging on the other side of my multitude of flying high manias and crashing to low lows I was happy to be getting my writing mojo back, as I had been fighting for it since late last month and for the most of this one.

Mind you, this person is married. And has a child.

Now, what a person does on their own time one thing. I don’t begrudge them that right. I said as much. But I also said I have hang ups and am not into a friends with benefits kind of relationship to ‘take the edge off’. I figured that was the end of that part of the conversation. While I was offended he seemed to get the message that I wasn’t interested.

So ladies, gentleman, young, old, liberal, and conservative, republican and democrat. Here is a lesson I want you to lean in and listen to closely. NO MEANS FUCKING NO!

He started to skype me. I told him I didn’t have a webcam or a microphone. He begged me to open. I said if it’s profane I want no part of it. This computer, like most of my life, is on freaking loan. He said it was just a video hello. The connection failed. But later on it came through. And yes little boys and girls perhaps I should have known better, but here is the morale of that bullshit tale, I TRUST people. Yes, even though I had the kind of childhood that I did with my biological father, his brother and his friends I somehow retained that sense of trust. So I opened it and got the shock of my life of grown ass man dancing around with his dick in his hands. I instantly cut the feed.

I told him I was offended. I told him I’d been abused growing up and just how bad it had been. I unfriended him and blocked him.

I’m going to give him the courtesy he did not give me and I won’t share his identity. While I have nothing against those working in the porn industry, I have no desire to be subjected to it.

So what happened to me? I didn’t want to come out of my room. I crawled into bed. I cried. Didn’t have the energy to write. Felt shame like I had done something wrong. And I FUCKING DARE some ASSHOLE to post to MY blog that I should have known better. I’ve known this guy since I was 17 and he was 15. I’m 38 now. I was so depressed I couldn’t write. Not even a simple email to one of my closest friends to say what had happened. I didn’t want to leave my room. Understand, my room is not that big.

This jerk came into my life and really pushed my back against the wall and made me pull upon resources I shouldn’t have had to but as I was drowning and felt I’d had my voice robbed from me I went to 
McDonald’s ate 3 burgers, 2 McChickens, 2 chocolate chip cookies, and a large coffee with three splendas and 6 creamers. I reached out to a good friend and he said he wouldn’t name the name but that I had done nothing wrong. That the guy had. Missy took my every call. She listened to my every tear and came over to the house and had chili and stayed until 9PM. And Pam answered a tear message left on her voicemail.

So in case anyone was listening to today’s lesson:
2.       Predators come in every shape and size. Be careful who you trust.
3.      And no matter what, don’t let them steal your fucking sunshine. They haven’t earned the right, and certainly don’t deserve it.

Daniel, I know I make you my silent witness. But I get to use your physicality as characters. And the one I’m writing on now is wrestling with his darker side. And it’s very cathartic for a day like today.

And tomorrow I will write like I’m on fire. I only have a hundred or so words to go tonight but I will be ready to write up a storm tomorrow.


Amy McCorkle

No comments:

Post a Comment