How do you deal with the anxiety of being the draw when your gut tells you maybe you shouldn’t do something? Not because the people who have signed you up for the appearance or draw are bad. In fact the people in question are really great people. I’ve never been the special guest of or for anything in my life.
But I have a really bad idea of being swept up into something that sounds like a really good idea at the time only to have my limitations rear their big fat ugly heads at the worst time possible when I pushed. Especially when my boundaries weren’t respected by well intentioned folks.
Right now, my stomach is in knots. I want to be able to fulfill my professional obligations if only because I don’t want to let people down. But when I spend three hours on the phone having a complete and total breakdown it makes me wonder if forging ahead is such a wise idea.
I want to go but every physical symptom in my body is screaming not to. My stomach hurts. There’s tension in my neck. I want to eat everything in sight. And I’m constantly on the verge of tears.
Part of me tells me to suck it up. I can do this. Yet another part of me knows better. A part of me knows after years of therapy and medication management that when I don’t respect my boundaries, and when they are aren’t respected bad things happen.
When someone, very well intentioned presumes to know me better than I know myself well, then there’s friction and trouble. I tend to be quiet and passive-aggressive. Articulating my own needs becomes incredibly difficult and secondary to making sure my own mental health is taken care of.
The last time I took a ride to a place where I was going to be without Missy it was at Concave it was a disaster. I just fear a repeat performance.
I feel like it’s a professional obligation and that I’m fucked. That something really bad is going to happy and that each time I try to articulate this to my contact to the event they aren’t trying to be cruel but that something bad is going to happen.
So I’m going to try something different. I’m going to try and meditate. And try to deal with the fear and reality that is my bipolar disorder.