Monday, May 27, 2013

Dear Daniel Craig

Dear Daniel,

I know coming to you twice today. But I’m hurting and I feel like no one within my vicinity can hear me or help me. I have good friends. Check that I have great friends. And my family often hates it when I put them in front of what they want me to do.

But you have to know, I was happy, for a little while to have them home from their vacation at the lake. Being alone for so long had gotten to me a little bit last night and it kind of fucked with me. I blubbered to my best friend Missy and she said you need to tell your mother they can’t just leave you stranded like that all weekend. Either they need to leave you a car or you need to go with them to the lake.

You would have thought I’d unleashed the apocalypse, or perhaps opened the gates of Hell because I’m pretty sure my mother’s head spun like a top and pea soup shot out of her mouth. As it was her eyes bugged and she started yelling. Dad said you have your sisters. And the one I have the most complicated relationship with said, Sara lives just up the street that’s not fair. What do you say to that?

I’m on disability. I love to write. And even that sometimes is affected by my bipolar disorder. But I’m prolific and I write very fast. I’m always promoting and I try very hard to give praise to those who deserve it who’ve helped me. So my income is $754 a month. Everything has to be paid with that. Mom isn’t charging me rent in cash, but she sure is exacting her pound of flesh.

After Brandy and Isaiah left the argument continued. She slammed things while she was cleaning, and said I wasn’t Missy’s daughter I said no she’s my best friend. And a lot of stuff, before it could get any worse I retreated to my bedroom where I could talk in peace to Missy. I chose to text her and talk on FB. I didn’t want to escalate the fight to something more disastrous than it already was.

She talked to Sara, she got over whatever was making her angry to the point of rage and I told her Missy heard me crying about being lonely and cooped up for three days without a way of leaving at midnight and there wasn’t much she could do and it made her feel bad for me.

I want to take a moment here and say I’m not asking you to feel sorry for me. I understand I made a deal with the devil moving in here last August. I knew what kind of people they were. And I knew it would come to this. Her being mad at someone and her taking it out on me. Dad(John) being sick and taking it out on me.
Per the car situation I don’t have the money to support my fledgling writing career and save for a vehicle and pay for bills. I can do two of three. Barely. And I have to depend on kindness from others and it makes me feel like a mooch, and leech and  like I’m not paying my own way through life. These are my crosses to bear and no one else’s.

But it’s lonely sometimes and when people who are supposed to love and support you kick you while you’re down, well, that makes it kind of hard. But when the successes do come they are admittedly so much sweeter.

Award winning British novelist Victoria Lamb loves this blog and says she’s jealous and thought it was a brilliant concept. Bold and the Beautiful and former General Hospital Michele Val Jean scribe agrees with her. When people like that notice your work it makes the struggle feel worth it. It’s like, hey, someone notices me. Someone likes my writing and I’m not doing this in a vacuum. A fan friended me on Facebook and is going to make it a point to see me at a signing I’m doing next month. So as bad as my mom and dad and everyone was making my life, these people spread a little sunshine my way. And I love them for it.


Amy McCorkle

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