Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I wish I could say that the publishing world was devoid of the kind of cattiness and diva posturing one finds in Hollywood. That distinct brand of phoniness is just as pervasive in publishing as it is in the film industry. And since I tend to be an open book and trust that one is being genuine with me it hurts my feelings like it would any human being when I realize one is just another jerk and douchebag.

I am not delusional, and I suppose me being the kind of geeked out fangirl I am I suppose it can come across that way. I suppose if I really wanted to be a bitch I could expose the ladies who are responsible for this hypocrisy but I won’t. It would be a waste of time and energy and trust me, their lives are far worse and empty than mine is and I figure that’s the best revenge. In that respect I suppose I can be catty to.

I think what sucks about the whole situation is that these ladies opened up to me and invited me into their lives and went through effort to make me feel like I was their friend. As a result I’m always singing their praises to anyone who’ll listen. Finding out they bad mouth me—and consider me delusional over my appreciation of your work—well that stings. I wish I could say that it didn’t but it does.

If I haven’t made it clear before now allow me to say it now. I belong to geekdom’s very sweet, very inclusive community referred to fandom. I love Star Trek, I love Star Wars, I loved the X-Files and Highlander. This summer I get to get my photo taken with Adrian Paul, the television series star of Highlander and Gillian Anderson, Scully of the X-Files. I have never been so excited in my life.

Those shows were pivotal in my survival of insomnia during the years they were on and even though I’m not going to get the chance to explain that to them my brief seconds with them will be the culmination of any fangirl’s geekout moment.

On a more serious note I have not one, but two screenplays in competition that I co-wrote with my best friend Missy. One of our screenwriting/filmmaking idols, Kevin Smith will be there. Going to his Q & A with his best friend Jason Mewes is like a full circle moment for us. We’re huge fans of his. As I said we started writing You’re the Reason one day after he started Clerks III, and finished exactly one day after.

I’m a huge romantic and see the symbolism in just about everything. As much as I dream about one day working with you I realize my independent streak might keep me in the small press, indie  filmmaking world. And even though you paid your dues there and cut your chops in the prestigious schools, that’s not where you ply your trade anymore. You live in more rarified air.

Not that you think you’re better than this world. As a matter of fact from an interview I read once I get the feeling you respect the indies very much. You’re aware of the fact when you become attached to a project money becomes an issue for a studio and with that comes creative control and you feel like the indie world is about people like me seeing my vision out to the end I want to see. And not what a bunch of suits want.

Not that that is a bad way to work, some are able to strike a balance in that world and work very well in that environment and create great work. Your friend Sam Mendes is a perfect example. I don’t like everything he does, but I loved SKYFALL and it is clear he is a brilliant director.

In the end I suppose the fact I struggle with and live with a bipolar diagnosis but deal with it and am in treatment for it and I’m not afraid to share that with people…I guess when people call me delusion it upsets me. They’re no better than the person who gives me the ‘OMG, you’re fucking crazy’ look when I share that with them.

Let me just state for the record, I am a survivor. Of both abuse and mental illness. I have worked very hard to get where I am and where others have failed I have been successful. I typically have a profanity filled sentence for haters and doubters. So even though their phoniness has hurt me I’ll say to them what I have said to my doubters and others who’ve hurt me. A variation on Haters Are Motivators. They can, how is it people say? Oh yes, they can go fuck themselves. It seems I can be catty too. ;)

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle