It’s amazing. I tell you how my family was so great yesterday. My mom and dad(John) and then today they shit all over it and make me a liar. They know my uncle Junior raped me, they know my Uncle Ron assaulted me, and they know Jimmy McNut, a church elder did unspeakable things to me. Maybe I should back up.
Tonight we were watching television, the news to be exact. My mother is a public school teacher. She works hard. And her efforts are often under appreciated. But that being said we were watching the news and a story about what it’s really like to be a teacher in the public school system. They were talking about how students with problems came in so angry and how sometimes it takes half the day before they can get the student ready to learn. Then they talked about the students as in need and this was an excuse for them to act the way that they were.
I said it was cop out on both their parts. I explained I had been traumatized and that I was still an over achieving student. That I made excellent grades and participated in ever academic and athletic sport under the sun. I earned a partial scholarship to an out of state college. Even as I struggled against major mania in college I was a successful debater and the captain of the college bowl team that won the University competition.
My stepdad proceeded to say I had no idea what these people were going through. That I didn’t know what it was like to be afraid at night or wonder where I would be living or worry about going hungry. I was flabbergasted. (Yes, I used a ten dollar word) Actually I should have said devastated.
His words and casual dismissive attitude about me and my life experiences punched me in the gut and even though I’m going to the bookstore and I’m starting a new series tonight I’m really hurting and feel like they don’t even begin to grasp the damage the do when they talk like this.
Do they think I don’t know suffering? Do they think I went to bed one night and poof everything was forgotten. That I haven’t been in therapy since I was 19 years to undo the damage they helped to inflict? The damage they do every time they say something incredibly stupid like that.
So right now I just want to cry and eat everything in sight. This is my first real emotional test. I mean people being catty aren’t really a test. Anger is hurt but when it’s hurt that turns to anger it’s much more toxic. I really want to binge right now. To go to the Chinese restaurant at home and buy happy family, crab rangoon, and fried dumplings and shovel it all in and wash it down with a Coca-Cola.
The problem is, I have the money to do it. Wow. They just don’t stop. My mother just accused me of eating her cookies. I didn’t even know they had any fucking cookies. Yet it makes me want to eat that much more.
Addiction is a beast. I suppose I should be grateful that it’s food and not heroin or alcohol or (sorry about this, I’m allergic to the smoke) cigarettes. Of course there is my other addiction, caffeine, I prefer mine in coffee form thank you.
Damn it’s so hard to be strong. I just wish my family would behave. It would make my recovery so much easier. And it would go a long way towards healing my relationship with them in this area.