Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

So I had a slip last night. You know, like an alcoholic, only with food. I wish I could say I was an angel in this department. But I ate horribly from Saturday to yesterday. Being alone isn’t my strong suit. As I’ve demonstrated.

Being isolated and alone and cooped up in a house three days with nothing to do is hard to deal with for anyone, but for someone like me it hits all of my food triggers. Boredom and loneliness is really big trigger and Saturday I was alone a lot. I didn’t eat my main meal in the middle of the day and I ate a full order of crab rangoon, fried dumplings, and a large order of happy family from the nearest Chinese food restaurant. Sunday I ate and entire Digorno pizza. Monday I gorged on Little Cesar pizza, had a venti iced café mocha and blondie brownie blast. Yesterday I hate an entire chicken parmesean meal from Encore with no sides then had a grande iced café mocha. Then when I couldn’t sleep I ate two packets of greek yogurt, 4 slices of processed swiss cheese, two wedges of Laughing Cow cheese spread, half a can of cheese um Pringles, and the rest of Cheetos snack mix.

A lot of food, I know. And ultimately I’m responsible for that mess. No one stuck a gun to my head and made me do it. But being alone, with forty dollars is risky behavior and slippery slope. But I’m determined to make it one day at a time. So it seems I need to recommit myself on a daily basis.

I understand there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely, and this past weekend I found myself at the crossroad where the two happened to meet. And up until about midnight I was okay. I found refuge in my work but it obviously wasn’t enough. I needed live human contact and my main source of support was either out of town or being pulled in different directions.

I depend on Missy a great deal by choice we have truly walked through the fire together. Me with her issues, which I won’t go into here because that’s her story to tell and she’s an incredibly private person and I wish to protect her wishes in that department. And her through mine.

My biggest issue in the past is my bipolar diagnosis, which, I think as an emotional eater, complicates my food addiction recovery. In October of 1999 we moved from Kentucky to San Antonio, TX. We would have preferred Austin. We attended the Austin Film Festival for the first time. (This fall will be our second time there.)

To say we were fish out of water would be an understatement. To say the least we wouldn’t have said shit if we had a mouth full of it. We were commuting from San Antonio to Austin daily. We had producer badges but wasted them. Didn’t know what the fuck networking was all about and were totally green on how to work a festival. I was 23. No one was there to show us the ropes. Everything Missy and I learned was through trial and error. The biggest examples of the disconnect between us and the main group was this, people were eating in the restaurants we were eating bologna sandwiches and pretzels we had brought from home while drinking two and half dollar soft drinks. Also one day we left the headlights on. When we came out at the end of the day the car was dead. When we asked for help people said, “Oh I jetted in.” And I thought do they know how they sound? They sound like the most disconnected assholes ever.  We asked to use the desk phone they pointed us to a pay phone. We don’t even have pay phones now lol.

That being said we met a screenwriter by the name of Jim Vaughn. He was older gentleman, he was drinking gin and smoking cigarettes in the bar. (Things I’m sure that you can only do one of now) and he was the most, genuine, real, kind and patient person there. He was 69 years old and I would love to run into him again. And if Missy and I were to win at Austin this year he would surely be included in our speech. There are just some people you learn from and use their knowledge to benefit your own career and trade on your own name and not on theirs. Of course I think that’s something you should do with everyone and if your connection bears fruit then all the better.

My food addiction is such I worry about Austin and I worry about getting around without gasping for air. So I recommit myself to my efforts and I try to forgive myself of my eating transgressions and I look forward to perhaps victories in my professional life. So one day at a time I look forward to my next event where I am the guest of honor. The Mystical Paranormal Fair in Lexington, KY and one of several Hydra Publication guests at Joseph Beth Booksellers on June 15th!


Amy McCorkle

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