I wish I could say my personal self-image was a healthy one. If I were honest I’d say in certain areas that it is. When it comes to writing, well I have the success I’ve always wanted even if it doesn’t look like I always thought it would. I’m a small press success. You know? That means no advance except in rare cases, and a bigger cut on the royalty. The only story I haven’t been able to sell on the pitch is this. My memoirs, in a series of letters to you. Of course, in Frank’s defense he hasn’t seen it, and as tested as I am in other areas non-fiction isn’t one of them. So I made this blog in the hopes I would have a readership that might benefit from personal journey and that maybe, when hell truly does freeze over, you might see it and know just how much you’ve inspired me.
Here’s another way you’ve inspired me. I went for a walk today. So what’s the big deal about that? I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a kid and have always thought I was ugly. I’ve believed I wasn’t worthy to be liked or loved and had a real self hatred thing going for the longest time. Not only was I victimized at home by most of the men in my family, middle school was truly hell on Earth. I was the one they put the sign on, stuff put in my hair, got punched in the face, called names. It was awful. I picked the high school I did expressly to get away from all the bullies I attended school with. The names, Lori Joseph, Betty Flood, and Robert Ford are just a few of the douchebags that liked to push me around and make my life away from home just as bad as could be at Jerry’s on the weekend (that’s my biological father).
Of course I’m sure they’re all grown up now and have no memory of being the jackasses that they were, but I had an eating disorder without them helping me to compound it. I try not to judge others with their own addictions. Some smoke, some drink, others use narcotics or prescription pills to escape the pain. Me, give twenty dollars and I’ll spend 16 of it on Chinese takeout and still eat you under the table.
Some things have been moving to put me in a better place and people would laugh if I told them a card reader has helped me to kind of embrace myself and go out there and get what I want lol. But there’s an old adage in the program, (Overeaters Anonymous) and that is you have to be rigorously honest in order for any eating plan to work. It also helps not to go it alone. And by doing this it’s like I have my hero cheering me on to lose this horrible weight which seems to be holding me back.
You see, Friday I went grocery shopping, and I had what is called a moment of clarity. I’ve had these a couple of times about different things in my life. One, about my writing career, and two the last time I had true success in losing weight. I ran a marathon then. That’s right 26.2 miles. I want to do it again. But I have to take baby steps. And the first step is to be able to walk around the grocery store again and not have to ride around in one of those motorized carts. It’s embarrassing at 37 yrs of age toodling around in one of those things. They’re not meant for me or people my age.
My moment of clarity came when I went up the Slim Fast aisle. You see I’m on food stamps that stuff ain’t cheap. But I realized I was working towards getting of it. That’s what the backlist is for of all of my books. So I crunched the numbers and I devised a way to do the shakes and meal plan lose the weight and keep it off. That was Friday night. Saturday morning I got up and had a shake and went walking with my dad(my stepdad John, he’s the one who introduced me to walking and running in middle school). Today is my second day on the program and I have to admit I’m feeling really good.
How do you have anything to do with this? Well, I want someone to share my success with (not to worry I’m not under any delusions) and there is a guy who I’m interested in and I want to feel good about myself and worthy to be loved so I don’t find myself in a position where I allow myself to be treated poorly. I feel like I’m worthy in my work and that has a lot to do with you and it’s had the effect of making me want to better myself all around and want balance in all of parts of my life.
I have two goals this year healthwise. Be fit enough to walk around the Conventions and Conferences enough to enjoy them properly. And second to participate in a 4 person marathon relay at my favorite park in Louisville, KY. Iroquois Park. I have two others besides myself signed on for a little over five mile leg, my sister Brandy and my dad John (and he’s had knee replacement surgery), interested in that fourth slot ;)? Just kidding. My sister Sara says the only way she’ll ever run is if someone is chasing her.
Anyway I’ll share a photo of me now so that you can get an idea of what 289 lbs looks like.